How to get men to do it more often.
Since almost a decade I’ve been writing about the gender gap between child care and housework among heterosexual couples. While more men are taking on the responsibility, one thing remains frustratingly ineligible: the mental burden. This is an invisible mix of anxiety and planning that is part and parcel of parenting.
It’s something I describe in my own life: I can’t get my husband to think about summer camp in January or run out of soap dispenser refills. is a common complaint! My brain is not his. We are pretty equal in most aspects of domestic work. He does more child care and I do more housework. But we both feel happy about our balance. Yet, my mental load is heavier.
Because of the pernicious nature of this issue, I was eager to read the work Allison Daminger. She is a Ph.D. student in sociology and policy at Harvard University. In the American Sociological Review, she published a paper that broke down the mental load, or “cognitive labor,” into four parts.
If we take the example of summer camp, “anticipate” means that we must start to think about the options before they fill up. “Identify” is looking at the camps that suit our family’s needs. “Decide” is selecting the camp. “Monitor” is making sure that the children are signed up and have their medical forms sent.
Daminger interviewed 35 couples for this paper. He found that “anticipate and monitor” are the most imbalanced parts of the process. The vast majority of those steps are done by women. Men and women tend to do “identify” and “decide” together. Daminger spoke to me about her study, and how parents can help equalize cognitive labor. Below is a condensed version of our conversation.
Jessica Grose I love the way you categorized mental load into four distinct categories. I was also intrigued by the fact that there is a gender gap in “anticipation” and “monitoring.”
A.D. A.D. Isn’t that fascinating? That instinctively we know.
That’s why I wanted to explore not only “women do less”, but also what it is that they are doing more of. Is there a more gendered aspect to it?
In most cases, I found that decision-making at a certain level was collaborative. This includes decisions such as what to eat for dinner and where our child will go to school. Before moving forward, both partners were consulted.
The act of putting an item on the agenda was overwhelmingly done by women. This was true even for household maintenance, which was a domain of life where both men were ultimately responsible for cleaning the gutters.
These things seem to be the focus of women’s antennae. While men might be more willing to assist if their partner alerted them to an issue, and may have been able to resolve it on their own, women seemed to always get there first, either by doing it themselves or telling their partner: “Hey, this should be handled.” Is it something you are thinking about?
The $1 million question then is how to make it happen.
J.G. J.G.
A.D. A.D. My research aims to provide people with the tools to discuss these inequalities. It might feel like you are doing more for your household but it is hard to pinpoint the cause because your husband is so skilled at cooking and washing dishes. Although having the language is an important first step, it won’t be enough.
It is important to be clear about each task and include both cognitive and physical labor. Does that mean one partner has to do laundry? Or is it that they have to monitor the supply of detergents? Sometimes it’s necessary to be very specific and agree on a common standard of acceptable practices. Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play does a great job explaining that when assigning tasks, it’s not enough to delegate specific chores but entire areas of responsibility.
One of the most interesting things I have observed when working with couples is their understanding of cognitive labor as an expression of their individuality. This interaction takes place between temperament and context. My sample shows that there are many men who are capable of planning ahead, being organized, and performing all the executive functions for their profession. Yet, these same qualities are not present at home. It’s hard to change the way we perceive ourselves. However, I don’t believe that our actual abilities are what is hindering us.
J.G. J.G.
A.D. A.D. My respondents often tell me that their child is anxious and uptight. If something happens, such as if the child isn’t prepared for school, then the mom will be held responsible.
Although I don’t believe that this is something people think about when making decisions, part of their worry is the fear of bad things happening. Part of the problem is that I may be viewed as a bad mom. The notion of a good fatherhood is changing, I believe. Men are expected to assist with diaper changing and do much of the physical care work. We don’t view them as being responsible for the child’s happiness and development in the same way.
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This year, we were able to split the mental load slightly better with summer camp. My husband and I did the planning, but we made the final decisions together. He was responsible for monitoring the children’s medical records that were not sent to the pediatrician in time. Although he may not notice that we have run out of soap at times, I feel we are moving forward.
How has the home division of labor been handled during the pandemic? Modern Love Podcast will be back for a new season and is looking for creative or difficult solutions. Send in your submissions and you could be featured on a future episode.
