Parents may feel uncomfortable and reluctant to talk about bodies, consent, and sexuality with their children.
A friend brought her children to the pediatrician’s offices a few weeks back. Her 7-year old daughter saw a birth control poster and began asking questions about it. Her 4-year-old son started asking her sex questions soon after. Is Dad putting his penis in your vagina?
My friend will never forget the doctor’s visit, it is obvious. However, that conversation was not as memorable as one that took place at the playground a few hours later when her 4-year old ran into a friend. Her son suddenly yelled something like: “Did his father put his penis into his mom before he became a boy?” !”
My friend’s story shows that it can be awkward to talk about sex with children. It can also have embarrassing consequences. These conversations should be had with our children early and often. Eva Goldfarb, a Montclair State University professor and sex educator, said that children should talk to their bodies as soon as they start talking. She also spoke about boundaries and consent.
Many parents don’t have these conversations.
In order to create their 2020 book ” Sexual Citizens “, Shamus Khan, a Columbia University sociomedical science scientist, and Jennifer Hirsch, aPrinceton University Sociologist, interviewed more than 150 Columbia University students about the conversations that they had, or rather, didn’t have. They had with their parents about sex. Students reported that there were very few discussions at home about sexuality and that most of the information they received was from their mothers. In a study that was published in 2019, researchers found that 63 percent of U.S. teens reported their parents never having discussed contraception with them. 44 percent of those surveyed were teenage girls.
Sometimes parents speak so abstractly about sexuality that their children don’t understand. According to Laura Lindberg (principal research scientist at Guttmacher Institute), a non-profit organization that promotes sexual and reproductive rights and health, “Parents are more likely than adolescents to report that they spoke with them about sex-ed topics.” “We need to be aware of the disconnect between what parents believe they are saying and what their children hear.”
It is not possible to assume your children will be taught about sex at school. Guttmacher Institute data shows that 20 states don’t require sex education to be taught in schools. Only 18 states, however, require that it be accurate and medically sound. Only nine states require students to learn about consent. The New York Civil Liberties Union examined New York’s sexual education curriculum in 2012. It found that one school district referred to the penis and vaginal as “sperm guns” while another described it as “penis fits right in here”.
Talking to your children about sex can be scary. It may involve relationships, body parts and boundaries as well as privacy and consent. Dr. Lindberg stated that parents often approach sex as a one-time, birds-and bees-type lecture to their children, rather than an ongoing conversation throughout their child’s development.
It is a good place to begin talking about sex. We send the message that these parts are taboo or shameful to our children and they should not approach us with any questions. Clear conversations are needed about what to do when someone touches you in an inappropriate way. If you don’t know how to approach these topics with your children, books or videos can be used. Dr. Lindberg recommends books by Robie Harries that are appropriate for kids’ ages. Also, the free videos created and maintained by Amaze.org.
Dr. Hirsch suggested that parents of teens and preteens should ensure that their children have time with their doctors to ask questions confidentially. In July, a study found that less than one-third (33%) of teens had spoken to their doctors about sex. Perhaps this is because they were not given the chance.
We should let our children make the decisions about who and what they touch. This will help instill a sense of consent and body autonomy. Emily Rothman, a Boston University School of Public Health community health scientist, advised that children shouldn’t be told to hug their friends at the end of every play date. She also suggested that they should understand that they don’t have to be hugged if they don’t want to.
Dr. Rothman recommended that children be exposed to pornography as early as kindergarten. These early conversations can be framed as more about nakedness than sex. You can also say that grown-ups sometimes enjoy looking at naked pictures or movies of others, but it doesn’t seem to be good for their brains. We should make it clear to children that it is not a good idea for them to share naked photos with others via digital devices. This is called Sexting and can lead to a lot of trouble.
Parents shouldn’t talk about sex only in a negative light. Our children need to understand that sex can still be an enjoyable and necessary part of adult life. It is okay for them to have fun with their bodies. Although parents might be concerned that sex will not be discussed in a positive light or in a positive manner, it is actually more likely that their children will begin to have sex.
According to a 2015 study, teens are more likely than their parents to expose them to sex in a harsh, fear-mongering lecture. On the other hand, children who have open and honest conversations about sex with their parents are more likely to be willing to take risks. A 2012 national survey found that 87 percent of teens believed it would be easier to avoid having sex with their parents and to put off committing to sexual activity.
Talking to our children about complex and important issues allows us to share our values and wisdom. This helps them make better decisions. It doesn’t matter if they shout “penis!” at the playground.
Melinda Wenner Moyer, a science journalist, is the author of “How to Raise Kids Who aren’t Assholes.”
