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“There was nakedness and there was touching, but it never went any further than that because I always felt my mother was there in my room, too.”
Before Andrew Limbong went off to college, his mother cautioned him about the dire consequences he would face if he hugged a girl. Andrew grew up in a strict Christian household, and his parents are Indonesian immigrants, so they never spoke about sex at home.
When Andrew was 20, he met his first girlfriend, Sam. As they started dating, he felt his cultural and parental influences putting “pressure on my blood vessels, not allowing the blood to go where I oh so desperately wanted it to,” he wrote in his Modern Love essay in 2011.
According to Andrew’s Muslim American friend, his fears were the result of the “ham sandwich” effect: the feeling of shame when you’re breaking family tradition. Today, we unpack this metaphor — and then we hear from Andrew. He gives us an update about him and Sam (it’s exciting), and he shares advice for others who are struggling to take a bite of their own ham sandwiches.
Hosted by: Anna Martin
Produced by: Julia Botero, Hans Buetow and Anna Martin
Edited by: Sara Sarasohn
Executive Producer: Wendy Dorr
Engineered by: Corey Schreppel, Marion Lozano and Elisheba Ittoop
Original Music: Marion Lozano
Theme Music: Dan Powell
Essay written and read by: Andrew Limbong
Founder, Modern Love: Daniel Jones
Editor, Modern Love Projects: Miya Lee
Special thanks: Mahima Chablani, Renan Borelli, Jeffrey Miranda, Julia Simon, Lisa Tobin, Sam Dolnick and Ryan Wegner at Audm.
Thoughts? Email us at modernlovepodcast@nytimes.com.
