Wait, I Thought You Had Outgrown This

This story was originally published on June 7, 2019 in NYT Parenting.

Let’s start with a quiz. Which of the following is an example of childhood regression?

a. When your kid starts calling for you at night after not doing it for eight months

b. When your kid starts having bathroom accidents after being fully potty-trained

c. When your kid clings to you at day care drop-off even though last week was fine

d. All of the above

The correct answer is, of course, d. And in case you were wondering, all these things have happened to me (multiple times). Still, every single time my kids start regressing — doing things that I really thought they had moved past developmentally — I wonder what the heck is happening, why this bewildering behavior is coming back, and what to do about it. Luckily, after calling some child development experts, I now have some answers.

Why childhood regressions happen

Although extreme regressions — such as suddenly being unable to talk or walk — can be signs of a neurological or developmental problem, mild behavioral regressions in kids are totally normal; and they can happen at any age. According to a study published in the journal The Primary Care Companion for C.N.S. Disorders, Sigmund Freud defined regression around the early 1900s as “an unconscious defense mechanism” that “causes the temporary or long-term reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development.”

But what triggers it? According to Dr. Tovah Klein, Ph.D., a child psychologist and director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development, children may regress when they encounter something stressful or new — a transition or routine change, perhaps. When my then 3-year-old daughter started at a new preschool, she woke up screaming for me every night for weeks and was suddenly terrified of the dark. Each time we travel as a family and our daily routine gets upended, my 8-year-old son’s tolerance for frustration drops, and he starts having epic meltdowns.

Regressions happen, in part, because kids want more from their parents when they feel unsettled or anxious, and regressions ensure that they’ll get that extra attention. Klein calls them a “retreat back to mommy and daddy” — exactly what my daughter was doing when she demanded hugs at night. She was stressed about her new school and suddenly needed me more, and her regressive midnight screams were an easy way to get me.

Regressive behavior can also be about gaining or maintaining control. When my son is going through a transition, like when we go on vacation or when he’s about to start a new school year, he’ll become extra rigid and act out in weirdly controlling ways — he’ll have to be the first one down to breakfast in the morning or else he’ll lose his temper. This sudden need for control compensates for feeling a loss of control in other parts of his life. (These behaviors are largely subconscious, by the way — kids aren’t doing them on purpose to drive parents nuts, even though it sometimes feels that way.)

Regressions sometimes occur after kids make developmental leaps or pass exciting milestones, too, Dr. Klein said — and that’s because their progress ultimately rattles them, making them nervous that they are outgrowing childhood and their parents’ care. When my friend’s daughter finally worked up the courage to start talking to her kindergarten teachers at school, she began having bathroom accidents every day. Her linguistic strides, Dr. Klein said, may have incited a deep sense of unease, stemming from the constant push-and-pull kids feel between the need for dependence and the desire for independence.

“On the one hand they want to grow up, they want to do big things — like put on their own coat or put together a puzzle alone,” said Dr. Klein, “but on the other hand, they also want to know that they’re taken care of.” When my friend’s daughter had her breakthrough, she may have started to subconsciously worry that she was growing up too fast — causing her to have accidents to get the parental attention and reassurance she craved.

You might be wondering, though: If regressions happen because kids want love and reassurance, why do some kids’ regressive behaviors involve epic tantrums that make us scream at rather than hug them? One possibility is that tantrums do get those kids what they want — attention, perhaps, or a treat, or a later bedtime.

Keep calm and carry on

First things first: “Don’t panic,” said Stephanie Lee, Psy.D., senior director of the A.D.H.D. and Behavior Disorders Center at the nonprofit Child Mind Institute in Manhattan. Stay calm in the face of regressive behavior, because freaking out doesn’t help anyone. Then try to figure out what might be triggering the behavior. Could it be that your kid is going through a tough transition, or is experiencing a big routine change? Are you super-stressed and your kid is picking up on it? Or did your child maybe just accomplish a big developmental feat?

In these cases, a little reassurance and extra love can go a long way, Dr. Klein said. Tell your child that you’ll always be there for him, or that he’ll always be your baby, even when he’s all grown up. Label his feelings — tell him you know he’s feeling unsettled or nervous and brainstorm ways to help him feel close to you even when you’re apart. “If your child is really clingy, maybe say, ‘I’m going to give you a picture of you and me to carry with you at school,’” Dr. Klein suggested. In these cases, regression is happening because your child is scared or overwhelmed, so extra parental support really helps.

If your child’s regression involves acting out, on the other hand, then it’s best to “be careful that you don’t, with your attention, put a big bull’s-eye around that behavior for future,” Dr. Lee said. In other words, don’t reinforce the behavior by giving your kid exactly what she wants — a lot of attention (even negative), or an extra cookie, or a toy she’s demanding that you buy. If she’s suddenly having bathroom accidents, don’t shame her for it, or make a big deal out of it — just deal with the situation and move on.

And when your kids aren’t exhibiting the regressive behaviors you’re desperately trying to eliminate, use labeled praise to then reinforce good behavior. Tell her you’re proud she hasn’t had an accident all afternoon. Or, if your tantrum-prone child gets ready for bed without a fuss one night, “say, ‘good job getting in your bed so quickly, good job picking your book so quickly,’” Dr. Lee suggested. If you give your kid love and attention in the absence of her regressive behavior, that encourages her not to do it anymore and scratches the itch that caused the behavior in the first place.

Melinda Wenner Moyer is a mom of two and a science journalist who writes for Slate, Mother Jones, Scientific American and O, The Oprah Magazine, among other publications.