April 22, 2021

These are five ways you can be more accepting.

Illustrations by Lydia Ortiz

In my clinical practice as a psychologist, I teach clients the difference between suffering and pain. It can be hard to accept pain on its own. It’s when you refuse to accept it that it becomes suffering.

Even though we are more than a year into Covid-19’s pandemic, suffering and pain are normal emotions. As a compassionate gesture towards yourself, it might be liberating to think about how you approach your own pain and see if there are any ways to ease it.

After validating the clients’ distress, I encourage them embrace radical acceptance. It is part of the type of therapy I use, dialectical behavior therapy, which was created by Marsha Linehan . Many people are familiar with the term from the book “Radical Acceptance”, by the psychologist, meditation teacher, and podcast host Tara Brch.

Radical acceptance is the ability to recognize your emotional or physical distress, whether it’s around traffic or larger issues like navigating chronic illnesses, and then fully practice acceptance.

Accepting negative situations can make you feel better, even though it may sound counterintuitive. Dr. Brach said that life is full of emotional stress and anger. She also mentioned that fears about health, shame over failed relationships, and fear around the future can all be part of daily life. But, if we don’t fully accept our human experience, those emotions will continue to plague us.

One reason is that our accustomed ways of dealing with difficult situations such as pretending everything is fine, being pleasant when we feel resentful, or trying to be acquiescent to avoid feeling our emotions are depleting and not restorative. This is where radical acceptance and radical acceptance come in. This word refers to being 100% committed and not going halfway. It will make you feel fake to yourself and others. It is the difference between being able to accept that you are anxious and trying to avoid it, and being able and willing be anxious in order to pursue meaningful opportunities.

My clients often confuse accepting with resigning to their feelings of bad. However, this is not what the practice is intended to do. Acceptance is a psychological attitude that promotes change by helping us manage emotions to solve problems. Emotional eating, for example, can be a way to feel bad about your weight. However, it is possible to make healthier food choices if you are compassionate and let go of the need to berate yourself.

Dr. Brach suggests that radical acceptance can be achieved by keeping the acronym RAIN in your mind. RAIN stands to: Recognize, pause, and notice; Allow, and accept your current experience; Investigate by identifying what is going on in your body; Nurture by showing compassion to yourself.

Acceptance in stressful situations can help you to develop the ability to bring mindfulness into moments when you most need it. Studies have shown that acceptance therapy can reduce suicidality, anxiety, substance abuse, and improve relationships as well as subjective well-being.

If you feel like becoming more accepting of yourself is a drastic change in your personality, research suggests low-effort self help exercises that can improve your peace of mind, quality of life, and mood.

Step 1

Check your mind for judgemental thoughts

Instead of allowing negative thoughts to control your ability to cope, you can start to accept the world around you. Remind yourself to see the present as it really is and not how you imagine it should be. It’s difficult to be productive if you get lost in thoughts about life being unfair and terrible, even if that is true.

You might say, “I can’t take it!” if your child wakes up after bedtime. But, instead of getting into an emotional spiral, recognize the truth. For example, “I’m tired and crave some time for me.” This will help you to have more perspective.

Step 2

Respect your feelings

Acceptance can help you feel better but it’s not a way to get rid of your emotions. Emotions can communicate information to us, and motivate us to take useful actions if based on reality rather than the stories we tell ourselves. Allow yourself to feel what you want.

Accept your emotions and use them to motivate you. Instead of scrolling through social media thinking that you will never have a great relationship, accept your sadness and use it to your advantage. It can inspire you to reach out and, equally important, it can help you to ease your pain. Acceptance can make a huge difference. Fighting emotions by suppressing it often backfires .

Step 3

Let go of the tension and strain in your face

You can easily increase acceptance in situations that are difficult for you by focusing your attention on your face. Experts agree that your facial expression is as important as your thoughts and how you approach your emotions. The facial feedback hypothesis states that how we look at our faces has an impact on our emotions . This is why I teach clients who want to be more accepting of their appearances how to smile from a scowl and to smile half the time.

If you need to be more accepting of than you are ranting against it, then try a relaxed, calmer facial expression. To ease frustration while waiting in long lines, you can try a half smile, raising your lips ever so slightly. The half-smile is not for forcing others to smile. You can feel more open to the world around you by subtly changing the way your face looks. Dr. Brach said, “When we relax our eyes, our minds are quietened.”

Step 4

Be willing to act

Acceptance also includes your behavior. Dr. Linehan says that you have two choices in any given moment. You can choose to act in a willful way, refusing to accept something or being in control. Or you can opt to be willing to participate in reality. It can be more pleasant to choose to do something with pep, rather than drag your feet.

Turn on your camera and close all distractions browsers during your next video conference. Compare that to just attending in a passive manner. My clients learn that radical acceptance can be both challenging and liberating. I help them align their mind and behaviors.

Step 5

Get better at U-turns

Know that it is normal to default to fighting or flight reactions. It is unrealistic to expect that you will instantly find lasting bliss and radically accept the world around you. It’s okay to be judgmental, tensing up, or holding back from helping others, and you can observe it. Dr. Linehan suggests “turning the brain” to accept, which you can do without feeling guilty. My clients tell me that acceptance isn’t a one-time decision. There are endless options. You can always choose more freedom at any given moment.

Jenny Taitz is an assistant clinical professor in psychiatry at the University of California, Los Angeles, and the author of “



How to be Single and Happy: Science-Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soul Mate



” and “



End Emotional Eating



.”