How to change your mindset and stop giving away so much of yourself.
A few years back, I was teaching new mothers how to recognize anxiety and postpartum depression. My employer is allowing me to take two additional weeks of paid parental leave. I don’t know what I should do. It will make me feel terrible if it is accepted. My team will need to pick up the pieces. I’d feel terrible if I didn’t. I would be giving up precious time to my daughter.” I replied, “Is any choice you wouldn’t feel guilty about taking?”
As a perinatal psychiatrist, I see mothers who embrace their guilt as a safety blanket and hold their self-sacrifice up as an honor badge. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have anxiety or clinical depression. This is a role women can play even if they don’t have a diagnosed mental illness.
I can’t fault mothers who choose to hide behind a mask of suffering. Being too well-adjusted can lead to a lot of problems. You should not leave your children in your car for more than three minutes just to have a cup of coffee . It can also lead to a call to Child Protective Services. Also, daring to breastfeed your baby without trying can result in criticism from others.
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In 1996, Sharon Hays, Ph.D. a socioologist, created the term “intensive momming” to describe the “child-centered”, expert-guided, emotionally absorbing and labor-intensive parenting. Two decades later, the Mental load refers to the inexplicable labor involved in running a family. Even though most mothers work outside of the home, still bear the bruntof household chores. It seems that the coronavirus pandemic is only escalating this pressure.
Martha Beck, Ph.D. is a sociologist and life coach who has been helping women break free from the pressures of society for more than twenty years. In her book “Breaking Point” Dr. Beck explains that women’s suffering is due to their incompatible and unresolvable values. Dr. Beck stated that “on the one hand, a good woman should be willing and able to sacrifice her own well-being for the sake of her family.” American women are taught to follow their dreams and to excel personally. She also wrote that the unachievable task of reconciling the incongruous values of the entire cultural system has been placed on women in the United States.
The paradox described by Dr. Beck rings true in my experience with patients. Mothers are often twisted into knots in order to climb the professional ladder or keep up with the demands of motherhood. They feel like they aren’t doing enough and that this is their burden. This is supported by research. A 2016 study of 255 parents of toddlers from the greater Southern California area found that mothers had significantly higher levels of work-family guilt and work-interfering-with-family guilt compared to fathers.
Although I am not a mother, it is something I have done and still do. My own psychotherapist helped me realize that I had become entangled in a smugness that is associated with giving up on myself. My ability to set boundaries was never something I had ever developed. As a psychiatrist specializing in women’s mental healthcare, I see mothers who are unable to recognize the consequences of their self-sacrifices and who feel powerless to change them. This cycle is reinforced by the fact that women are rewarded because of the suffering they suffer. Being a martyr means that you will suffer pain and sacrifice yourself to help others. It’s also about seeking glory. And paradoxically, your glory lies in your smallness.
What can you do if you find yourself tempted to martyrdom more often that you would like?
Recognize the cost.
Dr. Beck spoke to me about martyrdom in mothers. She said that mothers today have every right feel angry and victimized culturally, but that holding onto that feeling “is a recipe to despair.” She explained that the modern women’s dilemma was a koan. It’s an intractable problem. The more you give to your work, the more guilty you feel at home. You will feel less at work if you are a better homemaker. Mothers can feel confined to a small space until they are unable to feel anything except anger and helplessness. This is why women should not be expected to do more. We can take steps to regain agency, even though the problem is not within ourselves.
Even if you don’t feel the need to give in to the intense mothering pressure and are just trying to keep your head above water, you still find yourself caught between competing demands. This is not a problem that mothers create. The mental burden is exacerbated by limited parentale resources and a lack of quality child care options. This paradox causes many mothers to feel unable to be fully present for their families because of the mental stress . Many of my patients report that they are in their heads and trying to manage the modern parenting nightmare. This can lead to feelings of disconnection and meaninglessness , as well as a feeling of helplessness among children and their partners.
Keep a log of all the times you went to extreme lengths to make your partner or children’s lives easier. Note how long you felt appreciated for your efforts if they were recognized. Keep track of your feelings about yourself and how it affected your relationships with family members. Keep track of any instances where you are able to sacrifice yourself, as well as your thoughts and reactions.
Accept your guilt.
My patients are taught to view guilt as ambient noise. You are sacrificing your ability to feel all emotions if you identify yourself as a martyr, whether you realize it or not. Guilt does not depend on the choice you make. It is simply a place your brain knows to go. Guilt doesn’t have to be your compass. You can feel it.
Make small changes to improve your health.
Dr. Beck stated that “to heal from giving to much, is to heal from thinking too little.” Dr. Beck suggested that you make micro-decisions to bring about a feeling of relief within your body. When faced with the decision of whether to bake cookies for class or watch your favorite Netflix series, take a moment to pay attention to what your body is telling you. Which one causes you to relax your shoulders? Is it associated with a sighing of relief in the throat? You should choose the one that makes you feel more relaxed. Each of these small steps builds on the previous. It is easier to make bigger decisions when you are connected to your body.
Do not say no to agency.
Self-care is not the solution to maternal martyrdom. Self-care becomes another task on a list that makes you feel guilty. You can fix this by setting boundaries and reclaiming your agency. You can’t expect anyone else to grant you permission. Look at your week and find one place where you have control and can communicate your boundaries.
Moms should let go of the martyr mentality and focus on building a new body. This muscle is your thoughts, feelings, and preferences. It is not a luxury, it’s a necessity. It is something you only can give yourself.
